Six Reasons for Why We Argue

Dec 11, 2023

Sometimes we argue. Every couple does.

And sometimes it’s not pretty.

We all have this hope that we’ll be the couple that doesn’t fight, and many of us are careful to not let conflict have a dominant role in our relationship. But there will be those times where we are really not in agreement.  It’s fascinating how fast a situation can creep up on both of you — one moment things are fine suddenly fast-forward to both of us raising our voices and pointing fingers.

What’s MOST important in all confrontation is that we “keep the code”. 

There’s a “This Is The Way” approach to this Business Partner Power Couples thing, and at its core, it is respect.  We do not violate the code of respect for our partner (and ourselves), even in disagreement.

When the eventual argument happens, we know how we both operate, and there is an inherent trust that both will keep the rules of the playbook. Again, we re-visit the Power Elements that we outlined at the beginning of this book.  These are core values to our mindset and our prime directive is “We don’t stray from abiding by, and honoring the Power Elements”.

There are a few key reasons why disagreement can get out of control:

  1. Selfishness

  2. Dishonesty

  3. Poor Communication

  4. Outside Factors

  5. Dysfunction

  6. Money

Every argument we’ve ever had can get tucked somewhere into this list.  Let’s break down each one so we can identify it. Again, this is not how to “fix” these problems — simply a list of identifiers so we can spot problems as the arise so we can Recognize, React, and Respond in the best possible manner.


SELFISHNESS

We just plain didn’t take enough care with the other person.  This translates into millions of examples in real-life, but essentially the core of the “transgression” is that we were selfish.  We did not put others first. We put our own needs and wants over our partners, and it caused hurt and frustration.


DISHONESTY

It’s painful when we find someone has not been honest with us. It’s incredibly more painful when it’s our significant other that has betrayed our trust. Now most arguments in this area for a healthy couple will be on a smaller scale,  and our core trust was not violated — but it’s upsetting when someone does not keep their promises —no matter the size of that promise! When we have an expectation, only find out later that our partner wasn’t truthful in their intention or behavior, it can cause big problems.


POOR COMMUNICATION 

Sometimes we don’t listen well.

Sometimes we don’t say it clearly.

Essentially, 2 people are going to have a communication breakdown, and it will cause fireworks. This is sometimes a “no fault” situation, but that doesn’t make the frustration any less.  It’s very challenging to find out that we somehow did not communicate correctly. It’s most frequently evidenced with the comment of “But we talked about this!”.  This is such an indication that communication broke down somewhere. The key is identifying it, and instead of spending time in blaming, we need to discover the solution as quickly as possible.


OUTSIDE FACTORS

Nothing can cause discord like extended family. Chevy Chase made a brilliant comedy movie about this very concept — the entirety of conflict in “A Christmas Vacation” was never between Clark and Ellen!  It was the (rather ridiculously funny) outside forces of the extended family that caused strife.  As a committed couple, there is an endless list of landmines that can cause problems, and adding business operations to the list makes it even more likely that outside factors will cause disagreement between you.


DYSFUNCTION

Sometimes, we as humans are a little broken in places due to trauma, past relationships and hurt from our past. We don’t respond in a logical way because we have these unique triggers that disrupts our best. We have chaos in us that has translated into a situation where our partner is affected by our choices and behavior. (More on this topic to come later!)


MONEY ISSUES

Need we really say more?  Money is an insanely powerful injector of stress. There’s no getting around the fact that at some point you will have to talk through some extremely polarizing situation - and the root of all of it will be money.  This is an unavoidable occurrence, and the only remedy is keeping your communication at the highest level possible.