Keep Certain Kinds of Time Sacred

Jan 2, 2024

“Why are you on your phone?”

This question is probably the most common remark that a couple that runs a business together makes most frequently after work is over.  There is a constant pull… urge… NEED to answer that email.  We are so committed to making the business work that we let it invade our personal time. We let it infringe on our down time. We can allow the job to invade every piece of our existence if we don’t have proper boundaries. Thus, we absolutely must agree that some times need to have clear definition on what behavior is expected and appropriate.

You (hopefully) wouldn’t be on your phone in a funeral. You know to be quiet and respectful and remove our hats during the National Anthem.  We all know to refrain from swearing in church, don’t laugh at a funeral, and tip your waitress!  We have a social contract on these behaviors, and we keep that contract.  If we don’t, we can (rightfully) be labelled a big jerk.

Why would our time with our spouse be any different?

Our behavior with our spouse already has code — we know we shouldn’t call names, we don’t barge into the bathroom when the door is closed, and when they’re sleeping in we try to be quiet. We already have operational codes that we follow in our relationship. 

Our philosophy is that we don’t keep boundaries as we should because of these factors:

  1. Lack of Communication about what’s expected

  2. Lack of Awareness of when to do (or not do) what 

  3. Lack of a Code of Conduct on what we both agree to 

  4. Lack of Care; selfishness and laziness

COMMUNICATION

Yes, we continue to land on this word!  This section is all about developing the best Mindset possible, so we give our relationship and our business every chance at success.  So once again, we need to have a chat.  We need to talk about what’s expected. In formal situations, contracts and government buildings there is a “code of conduct”. It’s a clearly written, highly detailed list of what is, and is not expected/allowed in this situation. It’s remarkable to us that couples typically do not adapt this in their own lives!  We find it inconsistent to expect a behavior without first setting expectation.  Any contract we’ve ever entered into has a detailed explanation of what is allowed, and what is not allowed.  Therefore we need to have this communication with each other!  Can you possibly guess what the Exercise will be in this section?  You got it.

AWARENESS

To continue the Code of Conduct line of thinking… we uphold that both you and your spouse are conscientious people.  Maybe one of you is better than the other, but the very foundation of your relationship says that you are functional and have respect for each other. Maybe it’s not that your partner is rude.  Maybe your partner and you have not itemized what “kind” of time you spend together.  There are many “kinds of time” that we spend together when we’re in a relationship and running a business together.

We believe the KIND of time we currently are spending together dictates what is currently appropriate, and what currently is out of bounds.  

Notice the use of the word CURRENTLY.  This means that different kinds of situations have different rules.  And we move from one “kind” of time to another. As we move from one situation to another we must allow for the rules to change —and therefore we must know that some of these rules are sacred —especially when it comes to personal time!  Let’s break it down, so we can begin to have conversations together that can set expectations and provide boundaries. Here are 4 very different “kinds” of time that we regularly engage in:

“SPECIALITY” TIME

We each have particular skills that qualifies us to run our business. No two people are exactly alike in their skillset, so therefore we each have “that thing” that we do that is vital to the business.  An example might be a couple that manages a restaurant. One person may be more skilled in the kitchen and the other more focused on business affairs, purchasing and keeping the finances in order.  Both jobs are vital.   When one of us is extremely focused in our own primary duties, we call this “Speciality Time”.   This is the kind of time we WANT our partner engaged in — they’re putting their energy into their very specialized area of expertise and we don’t want to interrupt this! It greatly improves the success of the business.  

KEEPING IT SACRED:  When our partner is engaged in “Speciality Time”, we honor that effort by doing our best to keep them free from distraction.  We don’t barge in with random questions or expect them to handle other tasks while they are extremely focuses on what makes them great at their job.  Both partners have speciality in this formula, and both of you will benefit by recognizing that this Specialty Time is vital, needs to happen, and needs to be protected. You need your partner to give this kind of time to the business!

“COOPERATIVE PROJECT” TIME

We’re a couple, and we teamed up for a good reason.  There will be many projects that require you both to work on the same thing, at the same time.  What’s challenging about this is aligning our schedules, workload, and mental condition to the same place at the same time. It’s frequently difficult to get both of you to drop what you’re doing and work together on a particular project.  It needs to be scheduled, expected and communicated.  It’s very likely that this project may be holding up your spouse’s ability to get things done because this situation is blocking them. Making ourselves more efficient means we need to be proactive and communicate well when Cooperative Project Time is needed.

KEEPING IT SACRED:  When your partner needs you to make yourself available, it should be treated as a priority.  Consider their request amongst the highest things in your “inbox”.  Also, you both should treat these requests carefully by not over-asking, disrupting, or asking for help on something that didn’t need the both of you. Treating a situation with great care IS the very embodiment of keeping it sacred.

“EXTRA TIME”

Soccer fans will understand this concept.  There is never enough time, and sometimes we have to go into overtime.  Even though the clock ran out there’s just more that needs to be done.  This is where we’re calling our spouse to explain we need to work late. This is that dinner plan that has to get cancelled because something unexpected suddenly came up and it needs to dealt with. 

There’s a big role of balance here.  If we call for “Extra Time” so often it’s no longer a unique or special event, we’re just blowing past boundaries and not keeping the code. The reason “Extra Time” is EXTRA is that it is not a normal operating procedure.  It’s out of the norm.   The challenge it presents a married couple is that it disrupts the expectations we set for our personal time.  It changes our plans that we were looking forward to.  Extra Time is never really welcomed.  It’s something that we tolerate, and do our best to understand when our spouse gets caught up in it.

KEEPING IT SACRED:  We’ve got to keep a lid on how often we’re breaking plans, changing expectations, and letting situations disrupt the natural flow of our time management. Therefore, with balance, we give great grace to our spouse that lets us know that “Extra Time” is landing on their desk.  This is where we practice our POWER ELEMENTS such as empathy and forgiveness.

“OFF THE CLOCK” TIME

It’s rudimentary to say that we must protect our personal time — yet it continues to be one of the biggest struggles we hear our fellow BPPC community couples talk about.  It’s a constant struggle to have the discipline to protect personal time.  The technique of “Saying The Obvious Stuff” is a big help to setting expectations so we can work together and know when personal time is being expected.  If we don’t talk about it, we’ll never get it right.  We can’t guess what our spouse needs or wants — we have to communicate.  

* * * * *

To complicate this even more, there are many "Kinds" of Off The Clock Time:

  • Personal time spent alone

  • Couples time being connected as a loving couple spending time together

  • Family time that is critical to your family unit

  • Hobby/Interest time where we feed our soul with creativity

  • Etc.

This is a list that goes on and on — there’s really no limit to the “Off The Clock” time that we spend.  The important part of identifying this big category is that it must be protected.

KEEPING IT SACRED: We need to agree on boundaries. We need to protect each other’s use of time. We have a deep faith in each other’s decision making so when something’s gotta happen, we typically are very understanding.  The exercise below will help you define a few key indicators on how your own personal time needs to be protected.

CODE OF CONDUCT

We need to establish a code of conduct, and it’s defined by the very different “kinds” of time we are spend together. The Exercise below is going to help you write down your own mutually agreed Code.  This is the “We talked about this!” moment where you might whip out your phone, forgetting that you made a deal. Remember, this needs to be accomplished in a positive way.  You are BOTH agreeing to ways you spend your valuable time together.  You are honoring your partner by making this agreement, and you respect them by keeping it!

LACK OF CARE

Once you agree to a thing, if you break it…yikes.  If we’re selfish, or lazy — we are just breaking the deal.  This may be the shortest section in this entire book, because it’s incredibly hard to think of a good excuse for why we wouldn’t follow through on our Code of Conduct. We need to keep a few sacred rules. These “Sacred” practices build a mutual respect for each others habits, and optimize our time.  They build consistency, which breeds trust.  That trust makes us feel safe.  These are the very tenants of our Power Elements!  If we accomplish the following Exercise successfully, We will know what to expect, and we will understand how to give our partner the KIND of time that they need and deserve.

SUMMARY

We spend a LOT of time together!  But now we have an awareness that we are spending different KINDS of time together.  And each of those kinds of time come with a different set of rules. 

This is important stuff!  This is where we get to set expectations, and begin to build consistency in our behavior that gives our relationship structure and security.  These conversations (while not fun sometimes) are vital in building our “code” that we both follow, together.  

These “Sacred Time” habits build a mutual respect for each others habits, and optimize our time.  We know what to expect, and we know how to give our partner the KIND of time that they need and deserve.